It’s Hard to Say “I Love You” - an open love letter

It’s hard to say I love you. Not because I don’t - because I do love you. As deep as the darkest ocean and as strong as a wild lioness. I love you so much every fibre in my body aches to feel your skin on mine but baby I’m scared. And as I write this out tears paint my face like those ugly watercolour pictures I create when I’m hurting - because I am hurting.

I’m hurting because of fear - a fear so deep in my soul that it makes it hard to say I love you; instilled by a society and culture who don’t understand. I can whisper it on the phone and holler it when we’re alone but to let the world know scares me, and I’m sure that hurts you even sharper than it hurts me; babe I’m so sorry.

It’s hard for me to show I love you, when we aren’t behind closed doors. I know you feel my palms sweat but I can’t shake the voice in my head that says holding hands with you is wrong.

How can something this beautiful be wrong?

It’s hardest for me to make love to you, but gorgeous it’s hard for me to love myself too. Your skin on mine gives me butterflies but I feel forced to push back with insect repellent. Making myself untouchable to the harsh realities of what people think of us apparently makes me untouchable to your loving caress.

I know you say you understand, but you we shouldn’t have to love this way. We shouldn’t have to hide in shadows and steal kisses when we catch the world not looking. I want everyone to know that looking into your eyes is like staring into the richest pools of stormy waters of which I wish to bathe in forever. The way your hand slips into mine feels as though god herself moulded our fingers just so they could interlock. When you’re with me, the mess in my mind seems surmountable and the loud chaos of the outside world softens, even if just for a moment.

So, my darling, this is me saying I Love You. I’m giving my heart to you and I want the world to know. I want to love you in the loudest way possible, and I don’t care who hears. We, just as all the other women who have come before us, have been silent long enough. I’m tired  of not being able to shout from the rooftops that you’re mine, so this is me screaming

I LOVE YOU

Thank you endlessly for bravely and loudly loving me back.

All my love,

A quietly loud lesbian