Hey there collaborateurs and collaboratrices! Welcome to Kristina’s Kooking Korner, where we present wacky recipes to keep those freedom-hating bellies filled with trademark fascistic goodies. So grab a spoon, grab a seat, and prepare to report all of your neighbor’s activities to the secret police!

CIA Cider

With the recent cold weather and snow, I thought I’d share one of my favorite warm fall drinks: apple cider. This drink is perfect to sip while monitoring CCTV or paying close attention to Chinese diplomats.

Ingredients

1 gallon of good quality apple juice taken straight from a baby’s hand

½ cup brown sugar like the brown people Trump is so afraid of

Cinnamon sticks to taste

Sliced propaganda to taste

Cheesecloth to carelessly gather lies and truth into one

1 tbs cloves, to make people afraid of your exotic nature

1 tbs allspice berries, to add a little spice in your life

Orange slices to taste

Optional: double shot of vodka to adapt recipe to AUP culture

*Note: If you can’t find brown sugar and don’t use cassande, you can make your own by mixing white sugar and molasses, usually a small spoonful of molasses per half cup of sugar.

 

Directions

1. Take a large stewing pot, good for stewing up dystopian themes.

2. Pour the apple juice into the pot.

3. Add brown sugar but not too much, we don’t want our cider too dark.

4. Plop propaganda into the pot. Be sure to keep the slices thin. It’s important to keep this flavor subtle.

5. Mix in a couple of cinnamon sticks.

6. If you have some cheesecloth, take cloves and allspice berries and tie them up like the CIA ties up your privacy. Add to the pot.

7. Add orange for a citrus zing and the keep the Chinese off your back.

8. Simmer all ingredients together for 3 hours minimum; check every about hour to adjust flavors.

9. Now sit back grab your 1984 copy and remember: Big Brother is watching!

 

*Below I’ve included metric measurements:

4 liters of apple juice

73 grams or 2.58 Oz. of brown sugar

14.3 grams of cloves

14.3 grams of allspice berries

*None of these are exact measurements; adjust to taste.

 

The Amex Sandwich

This is a fantastically simple and delicious sandwich. It is perfect as is, but to appeal to current trends, be sure to make it vegan and say how great it is, even if it’s just average.

Work preparations:

Be sure to blast trap music while cooking to achieve the best results.

Since this recipe takes some more skill then the Cider, it’s important to have a good work space, so cram so many bowls, plates, ingredients on your counter as possible.

Pesto aioli

Ingredients

Preppy Party Pesto (pre-made)

2 egg yolks or sawdust for the vegans

3 grated ungrateful garlic cloves

¼ - ½ cup olive oil

a handful of cigarette buts

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions

1. In a medium bowl combine 2 egg yolks and 3 grated garlic cloves

2. Whisk vigorously and constantly, while slowly streaming 1/4 -1/2 cup olive oil down the side of the bowl, or forget about multitasking and make people wait even longer

3. Whisk the oil in until a thick aioli forms and then whisk in the pesto. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

4. To make this aioli perfect, add in the cigarette buts while drinking a large cup of cheap beer

Sandwich preparation

Ingredients

Fresh Ciabatta

Salty perspective prosciutto

Fresh Bougie Bufala mozzarella

1 large Gucci Tomato

3 loud games of pool

large slice of unnecessary supreme branding

Hipster Arugula

Directions

1. Toast fresh ciabatta.

2. Liberally apply your homemade pesto aioli.

3. Layer salty prosciutto and cheese until satisfied.

4. Follow with sliced tomatoes and arugula.

 

*Below I’ve included metric measurements:

2-4 ounces for the olive oil

1 ounce of pesto aioli

100-200 grams prosciutto

50 grams Mozzarella